The Defining Decade

Title: The Defining Decade
Subtitle: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Best of Them Now
Author’s name: Meg Jay
Author’s Background: Psychologist
Why am I reading this book: Because I’m in my twenties and because Dan’n recommended it.
What changes do I want to make now that I’ve read the book: I want to take my future more seriously.

The Defining Decade is about your twenties. This decade is often considered a transition period where one can just sit and relax, but we are underutilizing what may be the most important decade of our lives.

While most would agree with Socrates that, “the unexamined life is not worth living,” a lesser-known quote by Sheldon Kopp might be more important here: “The unlived life is not worth examining.

Work

Identity capital

Identity capital is our personal growth portfolio. Increasing our identity capital requires time and effort to develop who we are. It includes education, degrees, job experience, certification, etc. But it also includes our attitude, our commitment, our story, and more.

Lesson: Don’t get stuck in figuring it all out before doing anything. Do something now to add value to who you are and invest in who you might want to be in the future.

Weak ties

It’s the people we hardly know, and not our closest friends, who will improve our lives most dramatically.

Weak ties can be very beneficial for our growth. Unlike our strong ties, they often differ from us in many ways that make them the perfect allies.

The unthought known

There is a certain terror that goes along with saying “My life is up to me.” It is scary to realize there’s no magic, you can’t just wait around, no one can really rescue you, and you have to do something.

My life should look better on Facebook

There is no value in focusing on the outside to decide what our lives should look like. The author mentions the tyranny of the should and the search for glory. Sometimes, our unhappiness with our current situation comes from a search for glory instead of our personal goals.

Love

Society is structured to distract people from the decisions that have a huge impact on happiness in order to focus attention on the decisions that have a marginal impact on happiness.

The cohabitation effect

Many twenty-something think cohabitation is the solution to the high divorce rates. However, the numbers do not back this up; couples who live together first are more likely to divorce than couples who don’t. There are many reasons why cohabitation does not predict a happy marriage because it increases the likelihood of the lock-in effect. The lock-in effect is similar to the feeling that we have invested too much into something to give up on it.

Sliding, not deciding
Cohabitation often results from sliding into the comfortable which is not the best way to enter into anything.

Being in like

Deal breaker vs. Match maker

The Big Five
The Big Five refers to five factors that describe how people interact with the world: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
This is not about what you like—it is about who you are, it is about how you live. Every couple will have differences but our ability to deal with these differences is what matters most.

The brain and the body

Forward-thinking

Forward-thinking doesn’t just come with age. It comes with practice and experience. That’s why some twenty-two-year-olds are incredibly self-possessed, future-oriented people who already know how to face the unknown, while some thirty-four-year-olds still have brains that run the other way.

Calm yourself

We need to learn how to stay calm and take criticism. Research shows that people who have some control over their emotions report greater life satisfaction, optimism, purpose, and better relationships with others. While we can’t always control our situations, we can change how we react to them.

Outside in

For the most part, “naturals” are myths. People who are especially good at something may have some innate inclination or some particular talent, but they have also spent about ten thousand hours practicing or doing that thing.

Developing a growth mindset can help us deal with failure and empower us to get better. Confidence doesn’t come from the inside out. Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult. Whether we are talking about love or work, the confidence that overrides insecurity comes from experience. There is no other way.

Knowing you want to do something isn’t the same as knowing how to do it and even knowing how to do something isn’t the same as actually doing it well.

Getting along and getting ahead

It’s not too late. Our personality can change in our twenties.

Feeling better doesn’t come from avoiding adulthood it comes from investing in adulthood.

Every body

What is about to follow are some sobering statistics about having babies after the age of thirty-five. Medicine has been called a science of uncertainty and an art of probability, and this holds especially true for reproductive medicine.

Do the math

There’s a difference between getting a life in your thirties and having a life in your thirties. So, make a plan and take action.

Will things work out for me?

The future isn’t written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now.

You are deciding your life right now.

What to do today?

Be aware of how you’re using this decade.
Develop your identity capital
Stop wasting your time.
Develop a growth mindset.
Consider your future.

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